What they meant to say
by psht.whatever
Summary: This is my rewrite of Pride and Prejudice. It contains what the characters really meant to say. It starts with Darcy's first proposal. Just some lighthearted humor, really. Enjoy!


The Proposal…

"Oh! Elizabeth - how ardently I love and admire you!"

"Eat slugs, Darcy."

"Fine." pompously sniffs "I'll be going then."

"Yah. Don't let the door hit you on the way out!" murmurs to herself "psht. Loser."

Later, in the park, another encounter between Darcy and Elizabeth…

"Hey, aren't you that cow who rejected me yesterday?"

"Yeah."

"I've been waiting for you."

"So you're stalking me now, huh? YOU PERVERTED, SICK, SON OF A - "

"No! I just wanted to give you this letter which will make the readers realise that _you _are the evil biatch, and that I'm actually refreshing and dandy."

"Uhh, yeh, doubt that mate, you are one hell of a biatch. And the readers will _always _love me, I'm the **heroine**."

"Ah ha! So you _do_ take drugs!" winks and whispers to readers "My kinda gal!"

"Shuuut up! Dumbass!" mutters incoherently and walks away to read letter

After reading the letter…(which shows how poorly Darcy and his sister were treated by Wickham, and basically clears Darcy of all the 'wrong-doings' he was thought to have committed…)…..

"OH NO! POOR MISTER DARCY!" Sobs violently "He'll never love me again! Oh, what a fool I have been! How quick to judge! How prejudiced! All I wanted was to have _someone _to make fun of….father has mother, after all. Oh, I could have just made do with Mary I suppose. But it wouldn't have been the same. She didn't _do _anything to me. Darcy _did_. He called me tolerable! Oh, the insufferable git. Whereas Wickham simply _adored_ me. Until he dropped me for that other biatch, Miss King. Is this world full of biatches? Or is it I who is the biatch?"

Left to ponder her thoughts, she becomes depressed and turns to alcohol

Now rocking back and forth, and humming…

"Err body in da club getting' tipsy! Ya…huh…get tipsy…dada dada, dun-dun-dun-dun…"

maid enters, stopping her humming abruptly

"Yes?"

"Ah hem! You are required to return to Hertfordshire, mam"

"Oh, crap."

After she goes home, gets over her hangover, tells Jane about Darcy, and chats to her family, something interesting finally occurs…

"ELIZABETH! GUESS WHAT! I've been invited to go to the beach where the regiment is staying! Nah, nya, nya, haa! And when I'm there, I'll get my claws into your _precious _Wickham. So there! Well, he's pretty much mine already…I've been keeping up a correspondence with him for weeks! Nya, nya!"

"Whatever. I'm so over that disgusting creep. He always smiled at me weirdly, y'know?"

"Oh yea. His face is kind of shit. He has a great body though."

Both girls sigh from the memory

"Well, I'm gonna tell dad not to let you go anyway, sis. You've been such a brat lately."

"BRR-RATZ! WITH A PASSION FOR FASHION! YEAH!"

"That's exactly what I'm talking about. Why are you so goddamn exuberant anyway?"

"Hopped up on goofballs."

"Oh. I see."

"Don't act like you're not a heroine addict, Lizzy."

"I _am _the heroine."

"Good! That's the first step…admitting it…"

"GODDAMMIT! DO NONE OF YOU SPEAK ENGLISH OR SOMETHING!"

mutters to herself "I must be high…or these people are insane."

Before either the regiment or Lydia had left, Elizabeth has a little encounter with Wickham…

"Hey sugar. Hot stuff. Sugar plum fairy. How's it hanging'?"

Elizabeth does not reply, but narrows her eyes suspiciously at Wickham.

"Dollface? Wassup?"

Elizabeth hisses like a cat "Stay away! I know what you did last summer! OOO!"

Wickham skips a beat, then realises what she's talking about

"Hey…give a hot guy a break. It's not my fault that Georgiana wanted to get it on."

"Sure. And I suppose it's her fault that you spent all your money, (and Darcy's!), on freakin' pleasures!"

"Ahh, yes. Freakin' is definitely the right word my dear…"

"Uggh! You're disgusting! Don't you have any sense of decorum…or at least any morals? Wretched libertine! Infamous rogue!"

"Those titles fit me so well. I'm bad to the bone, baby…and I've got some tatts to prove it. Wanna look?"

"No thanks! You scare me! I'm going to go find that Darcy fellow…"

"Yah. And I'm gonna go find that Pam Anderson."

Thus, the ending of the love affair between Wickham and Elizabeth.

Lydia has gone away with the regiment, (and is currently flirting in tents with no clothes on…..she has a swimsuit though! Get your mind out of the gutter!)

Elizabeth is staying with her parenting aunt and uncle, the Gardiners. She will see Darcy momentarily…

The Gardiners and Elizabeth visit Pemberley, where she meets Darcy

"Hello again, Elizabeth."

"Look Darce, I'm real sorry about earlier…"

"It's no problem. To make up for it, we can have a quick romp in the woods now. I know you like that sort of thing."

"Oh I do!"

"Great!"

In the woods…

"Umm, should I take off my corset myself? It might make this easier."

"Yah, go ahead."

Both are naked and rolling around in the grass

"mmm Elizabeth, you're so hot when you're naked."

"mmm so are you, darling."

"You know, I had the same conversation with Wickham the other day!"

"Darcy, what the fuck, that's my line."

"Oops! I really did though… when we were showering…together…"

"Riight.."

"What? Guys can call each other hot y'know!"

Elizabeth stops humping Darcy for a minute, and rests on him.

"Look, Darce, if you're gay this won't work.."

"I'm bi…if you must know!"

"YAY! Threesome!"

"No way. You're all mine sugar!"

Awww. And that's love. After humping a few more times, they get married! YAY! Wickham then gets extremely jealous, so Elizabeth and Darcy decide to be nice, and they have a cute lil' threesome, (finally!). Note: It says _threesome. _No Pam Anderson.


End file.
